


No cherry blossoms

by appolinaria



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Australia, M/M, Night Terrors, awkward first kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appolinaria/pseuds/appolinaria
Summary: Rin has his first kiss and it isn't quite as romantic as he might have dreamed about, once upon a time





	No cherry blossoms

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

        " _There are  not many stars in the sky at all"_    Rin vaguely registered as he glanced above. Natsuya had not drank much that time, but he accompanied him all the same. The weather was pleasant and the talk was nice. Natsuya was nice.

         For some reason, they had stopped by a corner of the street, and that might not have been as surprising as he told himself it was.

         "...Why did we stop?"

          Natsuya smirked and came closer.

         "Why did we?"

          When Rin realized that this was happening, a strand of his hair was being carefully brushed aside and it was a little difficult to breathe.

          There was someone gazing in his eyes, with a hand on his cheek, and he couldn’t  _really_ protest. There was nothing to do or say except look back , waiting for something.

         And so he let himself be kissed. 

        ...

        That felt like nothing.

        “W-wait.." he said, but Natsuya only looked amused.

        "W-wait. I dont...Theres...Ahm..."

         As he would have expected, Natsuya laughed, twirling Rin’s hair with his finger.

         "Could that have been your first kiss...? You are adorable. "

         He looked to his feet, blushing in confirmation.

         All of that was... What was all of that? His heart  _was_  beating, and it  _was_  as if he could pass out at any moment, and he  _was_ lightheaded and spinning. But.... He didn't like Natsuya that way, did he? Even if he did glance at his eyes and lips these last days a few too many times, he still didn't. Not in the same way he liked ...

        His stomach flurried and his heart tightened in an all too sweet wave of something; as it usually did when he thought of  _that_. But then the sweetness crashed into something bitter, aching. That usually happened too.

        A stranger to any of that, Natsuya  laughed again, bringing a hand to the back of Rin’s neck and grabbing lightly on a chunk of his hair, leaning in and kissing him once more.

        This time Rin felt it, but was too stunned to make any move back.

       And then Natsuya’s hold on his hair became stronger, and he  _really_  did feel it, awkwardly beginning to kiss back, pressing his hands on the other’s shoulders, trying not to lose balance, trying not to overthink, trying not to think of anything at all.

      "Not too terrible for a first time, huh?"

      "Shut up! I...I..."

      But before he could say another word, they were kissing again, and Rin felt like he was starting to get the hang of it. Until suddenly everything crashed,  he felt unusually cold, and then somehow unusually hot; his foot trembled and for a second he saw himself as an outsider

      And he was kissing someone, on a corner of a street.

      Rin broke the kiss, stared at Natsuya for a second, and whispered.

      "I should go."

       And he made a run for it.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

         Half an hour later and it was him and his sheets, trying very much to think about his swimming training regime, about swimming competitions, about anything that was not...

         That was not that.

         The pillows were soft. That was good.

         Yes...

         ... 

         After some time he was floating.  Dark waves came and went, and then he was back in that alley. Only it was with someone else.

        Walking under the stars with  _him_... Ah...  He couldn’t help but grin. What should he say?  There were a million things he wanted to, but...

        But  the other boy stopped.

        "Why did we stop?" Rin said in a very low voice, lower than intended.       

        He was silent

        “Hey! What’s the matter with you?”

        He didn’t move an inch.

        “Hey...”

        ... 

        “ Haru...?”

        Rin came closer. The eyes staring at him gradually became colder and colder until they were nothing but cruel.

        ... Trying to speak again, he choked, and found that he couldn’t say anything at all.

        Or move. Why  _couldn’t_  he move?

        The street and the stars and the sky twisted until they dissolved, and left Rin in the dark, in his bed. Still, that terrible gaze persisted, mocking him only by being there.

       He tried once, twice, thrice to move his fingers, his toes, anything.  But it wouldn’t budge...it was all so heavy. Why...Ah...That gaze on him...

       Suffocating, with the certainty that something much too horrible was inevitably coming, he still couldn’t move a finger.

       Until he could and all at once sat up, sweating and gasping for air.

       ...

       "What was that...” He whispered to himself.

       ...

       ...Why would he dream of Haru with such cruel eyes? Haru was not...Like that. It was not fair.

       ...

      Natsuya’s voice echoed.

       " _Could that have been your first kiss...?"_

       So what if it was?

       ...Pathetic.

       It didn’t need  to be under bright stars did it? And he didn’t need to have "deep feelings" to kiss. He really didn’t. It had been nice. Hadn’t it? It really had. No reason to be ashamed at all.

       ...

      Touching his own lips softly, it dawned on him that they had really been kissed just now. Just yesterday they had been untouched... The self-assigned fate of a boy who trained too much to think about pursuing first kisses. 

     But tonight it had been warm... And his hair had been pulled, which was... Not very romantic at all, but still...It was nice... Embarrassing, really, but still nice.

     And Natsuya  _was_  nice. He really was. He was...something else. For an instant Rin imagined the two of them holding hands and saying sweet nothings to each other. To be introduced as Natsuya’s boyfriend. To introduce Natsuya as his boyfriend. To give his heart...

     That didn't feel too bad. Not at all. 

     Rin laid again and stared unblinkingly at the ceiling.

     ...That was not Natsuya. That was not what that kiss had meant to him. He was one of _those_  people, who knew how to kiss and fuck and also had so much fun with it. He would travel the world unstoppable and unrestrained, and do as he pleased, when he pleased.

     And him... he hoped he would outgrow those childhood fantasies. He was sick of those unending waves of euphoria followed by dry pain. Absolutely sick of it. It had been how many years just now? Who pined silently after someone for so long? Pathetic.

    Rin loved him as a friend.  He loved him as an inspiration, and as someone who would stand by his side as an equal, a competitor, a comrade. 

    That other thing... It shouldn't matter. It didn’t. Right now they were separated by the sea, as they had been before. It was fitting. He had aways felt so far away...

    But it didn't matter. He wouldn’t say it. Or Perhaps in forty years he would, when they had all moved way  past behind it, and it would be nothing but a funny anecdote.

    " _Haru, do you know how much I used to love you?"_  

    And then...would he laugh? Or... Or maybe he would just nod and reveal  that he knew all along.

_Could_ he know?

    Rin’s breathing became heavier.

    It could be that he knew...

    But if he were to confess outright...What kind of face...Would he make?

    He hadn’t looked at Natsuya’s face when he ran. Pathetic. He probably thought Rin was a very pathetic boy.

    And now... He wouldn’t cry. Not for that. Not now, he wouldn’t... He wouldn’t right? Not that night.

    But still... what kind of face would  hemake...?

    Rin felt those cold eyes on him again, and stopped breathing. But then something melted, and the gaze in his head became softer, warmer like he remembered last time they talked. That darn face that was so difficult to read. Still he felt himself smiling.  It was too late, but he found all of himself melting as well, in a wave of nostalgia, butterflies and cherry blossoms. Perhaps one day he would be able to tell, if he didn’t get over that first, and then he would find out... What kind of expression Haru would really make.

    But first he had to sleep. It was late and he was still in another continent.

    It was late  and he  didn’t want to think about it at all. 

    They were friends and rivals, and he was  happy about that. He was  _so_  happy he could actually cry. Oh, no doubt about it.

    ... 

    It was good that Natsuya had kissed him, and it was good that it happened like that. It was good that it was not like he would have imagined, when he was a stupid romantic crybaby kid. It really was good , wasn’t it?

    Nothing else to think about.

    Rin closed his eyes again.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi  
> English is not my first language so IM SORRY FOR ANYTHING.
> 
> Also first time I post a fic I guess, so ahm. I know I still have much to learn
> 
> constructive criticism is more than welcome!!! <3


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